Hey there beautiful, it's been awhile *wink*

(this didn't post when it was suppose to, for some reason, back on the 15th...)

The topic line has little to do with what I actually plan on talking venting about in this post... but I thought it might make someone smile.

When you look up 'indecisive' in the dictionary, what do you think you'll see? This?:

in·de·ci·sive [in-di-sahy-siv] Show IPA adjective
1. characterized by indecision, as persons; irresolute; undecided.
2. not decisive or conclusive: a severe but indecisive battle.
3. lacking definition; vague or indistinct: the indecisive outline of the distant hills.

NO. WRONG. (well, you will see that, but that's not what I'm going for either... I guess it's a trend today) You will see this:

Hello world! This is who I am. I am Erin. I am indecisive. My middle name should be fickle, or waffle, or ... well, you get the point. I can't decide on things.

And what is something that I've been battling with for YEARS, now? My children's education. Specifically, whether to home school or send them off to public school (private school isn't an option because I can't afford it!). I have a plethora of reasons to home school, and I am a staunch supporter of homeschooling, as is my husband... but there have been serious bumps in the road.

Three of my four children are special needs. My oldest, age 7, is an Aspie (Asperger's Syndrome is a type of high functioning autism), and has epilepsy. So think: therapies, and doctor's appointments... aaaand temper tantrums, social skills issues, and sensory processing issues. My third child, age 4, has problems with all the same things my daughter does, and I'm convinced he is autistic although he hasn't been 'formally' diagnosed. My fourth child, age 2, has speech delays and receives weekly in home therapy. He is progressing, but his lack of being able to communicate as he would want to can make him frustrated and cause major melt downs.

So what does this mean for me? It means I've driven my self bat-shit crazy. I'm a pretty patient person, but dealing with 4 children, 3 of which have needs beyond what my neurotypical child has (you know, a kid that is 'normal' ... people in the special needs community try to avoid saying stuff like that though... *shrug*). I feel like my homeschooling over the last 3 years (2 if you don't count preschool) has caused me to become a person I don't even know any more. I'm wound like a top, and wired like a bomb.

So you would think the answer is OBVIOUS, right? Send the kids to school? Ahh, if only it were that easy. You see, the problem lies in the fact that I still think that the reasons why I home schooled in the first place are still valid (more family time, better education, more flexibility for therapy and doctor's appointments, better ability to mold my children in to the young adults *I* think they should be, to the best of my ability anyway, and the ability to customize their education to fit their needs whether it be content, time, or materials/presentation). I see my sending them to public school as a selfish act, and see myself as a failure for sending them.

Do I think that all public schools are inherently evil? Absolutely not. Do I think there are pros and cons to both home school AND traditional/public schooling? Well, of course, I'm not THAT naive. So why can't I seem to make a decision that I'm happy with? That educates my children, keeps them in a wholesome environment, AND allows my sanity to remain intact?

Because, I'm indecisive. >.<